


You Am/Are Pretty

by kho



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:43:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5878108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kho/pseuds/kho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I... don't know.  This is semi-crack fic, semi a post ep tag for the last ep.  It's...  It's just fluff and fun, and I had a major giggle writing it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Am/Are Pretty

“You.”

Danny blinks. Blinks again. “Me.”

“Are pretty.”

Danny giggles. “What?”

Steve nods, pointing. “You!”

“Am pretty,” Danny says, and then frowns. “Wait. Are pretty. Am. What?”

“Pretty,” Steve says, closing his eyes and grinning sunnily.   “Pretty pretty Danny.”

Danny frowns. “Are you mocking me?”

“Pretty.”

“Hey,” Danny says, snapping his fingers. “I figured it out!”

“Pretty, pretty, pretty Danny.”

“I _am_ pretty. Not are. I are pretty is very very incorrect Englishifying.”

Steve giggles. “Englishifying.”

“And also, I know, I are pretty,” Danny says, looking over at Steve. “I are very very good looking. And I are smart.”

“And gosh damnit, people like me.”

Danny frowns. “Darnit.”

Steve looks over, very concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“Gosh darnit, people like me,” Danny says.

Steve grins. “You know? I like you.”

Danny grins back. “I like you too, pal.”

They grin at each other.

“Why are we grinning,” Danny asks, frowning.

“I forget,” Steve says, letting his head flop back against the couch cushions. “Danny?”

“Hm?”

“Why am I forgetting everything all the time?”

“What?”

“I had a thought earlier I was gonna say but then I forgot it. And then I forgot that I forgot it, and then I forgot that.” Steve frowns. “And I don’t remember what I forgot, but… it’s forgotten.”

“Ah,” Danny says. “You forgot what you forgot because you forgot it. That is some winning logic there my friend.”

“What was I saying?”

Danny nods. “I like logic. Did you ever take logic classes in college? Did you go to college? Logic classes’ll fuck your head. I _loved_ them, did I say that?”

Steve grins at him and nods. “Oh, I was saying you’re pretty.”

“Also econ. You know Steve. I’m actually pretty smart.”

“With the hair and the eyes and the mouth. And you lick your lips a lot did you know that? I’m more familiar with your tongue than I am my own I think, that’s kind of disturbing.”

“I coulda been wall street guy,” Danny says whistfully. “I coulda been skyscrapers and stupid money, but no no no, I wanted to protect and serve. I wanted to be like Pop.”

“But also distracting, did you know it’s distracting to talk to you sometimes when I can’t stop noticing your tongue doing things like licking the corner of your mouth or how you chomp down on it sometimes when you’re thinking through a problem or how it just… is always there, like, when you open your mouth, which you do a lot since you talk a lot, I mean, a lot Danny, you talk a LOT.”

“But I coulda, I coulda been Wall Street guy, like Matty, coulda made a ton of money, lots of bank, moula, dinero, coinage, scratch, dolla bills ya’ll,” Danny says, and then cracks up laughing. “Hm. Me and Matty woulda torn up New York, man.”

Steve sat up. “Did you say Matty?”

Danny nods. “Yeah. We woulda tore up that scene, made it our bitch.” Danny nods some more, smiling. “Hey, maybe if I’d gone the econ/smart route instead of the stupid put your ass on the line to save people that sometimes aren’t even worth fucking saving because their dumb asses got themselves there to begin with, then maybe me and Matty woulda figured out his shit and none of this would have happened.”

Steve frowns, blinking a few times. “You never talk about Matty.”

“I think I’m really, really high,” Danny says with a small frown. “Because yeah, I don’t, cuz it hurts too much, but I’m not upset right now. Anyway, yeah, I coulda… Also! I really, really enjoyed being a professor for that month there. Coulda done that too!”

“Yeah but then you wouldn’t a met me.”

“Oh how pleasant my life woulda been.”

Steve frowns. “Hey!”

Danny frowns back. “Hey why’d you stop talking about how pretty I am? I liked that.”

“Are.”

“What?”

Steve gestures. “You are pretty. Not am.”

“No you say are, I say am,” Danny says, smacking Steve’s leg. “You ARE pretty, I AM pretty.”

Steve smiles. “You think I’m pretty?”

Danny shakes his head and rubs his eyes. “No, you said it. About me. I are pretty. Am.”

Steve’s lips poke out in a pout. “I’m not pretty?”

Danny shakes his head. “I wouldn’t say you’re pretty, no.”

Steve crosses his arms and slouches in the couch. “Oh.”

“No,” Danny says, slouching back and putting his feet in Steve’s lap, toeing his shoes off. “What I would say is that you’re sexy as fucking hell.”

Steve’s mouth quirks on a smile and he looks back at Danny. “Oh!”

Danny’s eyes drift close and his smile widens. “All the man, and the muscle, and the rough edges and the growly voice and the manhandling and shoving around and taking up all the space everywhere.”

“But you’re sexy as fuck too, I didn’t mean pretty boy, like, twinky type pretty.”

“And you keep taking off your shirt and I swear Steve, I’m like, if I were a lesser man… But I am not.” Danny points a finger up at the ceiling and nods. “I am not a lesser man, and therefore I do not let my jealousy get the better of me because sometimes you take your shirt off and I want to deck you in your pretty little mouth because it’s just not fair.”

“Because you are definitely a man,” Steve says, flailing his hands. “I mean the hair and the arms and the stupid toes.”

“Both because everyone flocks to you and fawns all over you and all the women would just as soon sit on your face as say hey--”

“Woah!”

“-- to you, but also because it’s just… tempting.”

Steve frowns. “Tempting.”

Danny nods. “Tempting.”

“Tempting.”

Danny opens his eyes and meets Steve’s gaze. “But I’ve never done it, not once. I’ve wanted to jerk off to the mental spank bank rolodex I’ve got of you and your endless shirtlessness many, many, many times, but I have not and will not. And I’m not a pleasure delayer, so that’s not my bag, that’s not why, I’ll have you know.”

Steve swallows. “Rolodex.”

“A veritable rolodex,” Danny says, grinning and spreading his hands wide. “Thousands, Steven, thousands upon thousands of looks, touches, shirts unbuttoned, you in your dress blues which I’ve never, ever, not ever had a thing for men in uniform before you so feel special there, my friend--”

“Oh, I’m feeling something.”

“-- because you are just, and, ya know, I’m wrong,” Danny says, shaking his head, “because you are pretty. You _are_ pretty, you’re pretty _too_ , in addition to all the rugged and the wanna-slam-you-up-against-a-wall hotness.”

“I haven’t,” Steve says, following the patterns Danny’s hands make in the air. “Resisted, I mean. I can’t not sometimes, I’ve tried, but you just, you have this thing you do sometimes when we’re talking where you fuck me with your eyes--”

“And there’s this line on your neck, under your ear, this line that pops out, this vein, and there’s something about it that just makes me want to lean over and lick, or bite, or do both, because fuck, I mean, why would a vein be hot, but it’s you and you don’t make any god damned sense and we don’t make any god damned sense--”

“-- You just look at me from head to toe and back down again and sometimes your eyes linger on my lips and I swear I can feel it, like actually, feel, I don’t know, something, heat, lust, whatever, I can _feel it_ , because you’re fucking me with your eyes and I can’t help but jerk off because you won’t ever follow through with your damn hands.”

“—And so it’s just one of those things that I’ve had to accept as one of those It Is What It Is things, because I get a Pavlovian response type boner every time you grin and that vein sticks out, and…” He pauses, tilting his head to look at Steve a bit more squarely. “Did you just say you jerk off to me?”

Steve blinks.   “No.”

Danny shifts his feet to the floor and leans forward. “Kono, did Steve just say he jerks off to me?”

Kono grins from behind her phone. “Yup.”

Danny points at Kono triumphantly and then holds out a hand for a fist bump, which she obliges. “See?”

Steve scrubs his face. “Oh. Well I didn’t mean to.”

“This is some strong shit, cuz,” Chin says from the floor, arms crossed over his chest as he lays there, zen-like in his own little world. “Making the crazy haoles even crazier, and, are you recording them?”

Kono grins even wider. “Yup.”

Chin cracks up laughing and Danny frowns. “Wait, you’re recording us?”

Steve sits up. “Chin, did you just call me a haole _again_?”

“If the shoe fits,” Chin says with a huge shit-eating grin.

“He says it to goad you, dopey,” Danny says, digging a toe into Steve’s thigh. “Honestly, you say I bicker and bitch all the time and push your buttons… Chin’s pretty damn good at it too, but you never accuse him.”

“Better, because he’s like a sniper,” Kono says, lowering the phone and hitting to stop recording. “He sneaks in, lays the spikes out for you to pop all your tires on, and is outta there before you even know what hit you.”

Chin’s laugh is nothing short of evil.

“Why were you recording us,” Steve asks, ignoring the others and glaring at Kono.

“Because you two idiots were confessing your undying lust for one another and I’m tired of you two being the only ones who don’t know you’re made for each other and you just need to get it on already,” she says, grinning as she hits send to send Steve and Danny the video.

Danny snorts. “Get it on.”

Steve frowns harder. “You're blackmailing us?”

“No, brah, she’s giving you a fucking _clue_ ,” Chin says, finally sitting up. “You two have been needing to fuck for years now and it’s never going to happen unless someone shows you video evidence that you both want it.” He gestures to Kono. “Voila.”

“He said he jerked off to me, I didn’t say that,” Danny says, pointing at Steve.

“Not to you, about you,” Steve clarifies, because it’s an important distinction. He thinks. Maybe.

“Right,” Kono says, nodding slowly and catching Danny’s eyes. “Because you said you very carefully don’t allow yourself to jerk off to him.”

Danny grins. “Right.”

“Thereby admitting that you _want to_ ,” Chin says.

Danny frowns. “Oh. Damn.”

Chin and Kono catch eyes, and both at the same time echo, “Oh, he says.”

Steve hits play on the video and then shoves it in Danny’s face. “See?! Eye fucking me!”

Danny throws his hands out. “Did I deny it? I didn’t deny it! I’m the one fucking you with my eyes, I think I know I’m doing it!”

“Today was so great,” Kono says, grinning and sighing happily as she slumps against coffee table. She props her head on her hands and grins up at Steve.

“Except for the whole almost died and got buried in the forest thing,” Chin says wryly, standing up to stretch.

“Don’t harsh my buzz man,” Kono says, shaking her head. “Surfing those amazing waves, Danny calling Steve out on being a total wave hog--”

“Party wave.”

“Hog!”

“Meh bleh blah,” Steve grunts.

“Driving the coffee fields and then realizing you didn’t actually know what the fuck you were talking about when you taunted Steve about being a haole because I’m pretty sure Steve made it back to the office before we did, even if we hadn’t been detained by the thing which we will not be bringing up again,” Kono says, laughing.

Steve points at Chin and cackles. “Ha!”

“Early dinner at Sidestreet, courtesy of Chin. And now, smoking, Ohana style.” She grins and shakes her head. “Why did it take us five years to do this? Do me and Chin need to get held hostage more often?”

“Thought you said we weren’t bringing that up again,” Danny says, laughing. “Cause you just did two or three times there, just saying.”

“I’m just saying,” Kono says, spreading her hands out, “a good weekly Sunday baking session would go a long way to making us all happier, chilled out people.”

Danny grins and crosses his arms over his chest, sinking low in the seat and propping his feet back on Steve’s lap. “I’m down.”

“I’m down,” Chin says, but Kono already knew that so she waves him off with a hand.

“I feel like that’s a bad idea,” Steve says with a small frown.

“Oh, lighten up, bitch,” Danny says, digging his foot into Steve’s thigh.

“Okay fine,” Steve says with his own shrug. “I’m down too.”

Chin, who had disappeared for a moment, came back into the room bearing sodas, and a huge bag of funyons and another large bag of Cheetos. “Munchies supplies.”

“Oh, I fucking love you,” Danny says feelingly, standing up and grabbing Chin by the ears, planting a big kiss smack dab on his lips and then grabbing the funyuns and flopping back down on the couch.

“Hey, why don’t I get that kinda thanks when I bring you things,” Steve whines.

Chin shrugs and folds himself into an easy pretzel on the floor. “I’m irresistible when bearing eats.”

“What he said,” Danny mumbles around a mouthful of funyuns, giving Steve a look. “Here, hold up a finger, lemme see if I can…” He tosses a ring at Steve’s finger, missing. “Shit.”

“Okay, I thought for a second he was gonna play ringtoss the funyun on the cock,” Kono says on a giggle.

“Hm,” Danny says, contemplating one of the rings. “Nah, not big enough."

“Hey,” Steve says, squirming, “please do not discuss about ringtossing anything onto my junk and whether or not it’s big or small enough in front of Kono!" 

Danny snorts and catches Kono’s amused glance. “Unless you got a dick the width of a pencil, Steve, I’m betting Kono coulda figured that out on her own.”

**Author's Note:**

> in case it's not obvious he drug is pot


End file.
